Still missing him........as usual

I don't know why.....I mean, I always miss him, of course.  But tonight/this morning, I just cant stop crying. I miss him so much.  This always happens when I get a phone call, I go from super excited and happy, to super sad.  I just cant wait for this thing to be done with.  I dont even know how to explain this feeling that I have in my heart with him being gone.  This emptiness.  Its so sad, and beautiful all at the same time.  Im so thankful that he's mine.  That I have someone that means this much to me, that I can miss like this.  But its the missing him part thats so hard.  I can't even put it into words.  Ive honestly never ever felt like this about anyone in my whole life.  And that's why when he asked me to marry him, this was the one time in my life, that I wasnt afraid.  I cant wait.  Were going to be so happy together....I just cant wait for that day.  It just cant come soon enough.  I dont even know how in the hell Im going to be able to get back on that plane again once he comes home, and I see him for his homecoming.  I really honestly and truly DONT think I can do it.  I keep thinking about it, and I keep seeing myself completely breaking down, and just NOT being able to leave.  My heart feels so complete, and happy.  Yet incomplete, and breaking into a million tiny pieces without him.  I dont know if any of my close friends notice it, I know I do, but I am just not myself when he's not here.  I can go on, day to day, and do what I need to do to make time go by.....but when I smile, its not really all real.  Its like a huge part of me is missing, and I know that I just wont be the same again until were together.  I just wonder why his parents can't understand why him and I want to get married as soon as we can.  What isnt there to see? Sure, him and I havent been together for a billion years....not yet.  But I plan on it.  I have never loved someone so much, I have never been so willing to give up everything I have.  Everything Ive worked so hard for.  Do they honestly think that I would give it all up on something I wasnt sure of? No way.  Ive never been so certain of anything in all of my life.  Of anything I have ever done, taking a chance and meeting Pete was the greatest accomplishment of my entire life.  Why why why can't they see that? His parents want himand I to "have a normal relationship before we get married." and they think that him and I are going to wait till he's done with the Navy before we get married.  Well, newsflash....he might re-enlist.  We have to sit down and talk about the pros and cons when he gets home.  I just wish they could see it.  I wish they could feel what I feel in my heart, knowing that the man that I love, the man that I want to be the father of my children, the man whom I want to spend all of time with, is so far away and in a scary place.  A war zone.  I know he's their son, and will always be their son.  I dont deny that, nor do I not acknowlege that....but at the same time......im the one who wants to spend the next billion years with him.  I want to be there for him through good times and bad.  Happy and sad.  Richer and poorer.  All of those things.  I want to go through everything with him, as long as were together there isnt a damn thing we cant do......together.  Its that simple.  I just wish they could spend a day in my shoes.  Doing what I do.  Making it all on my own, all alone, being together, yet so far apart.  If they could only see me when I sit up all night, wondering what he's doing, where he is, if hes eating well, sleeping well, if he's sick, or if he's maybe sitting there crying because he misses me too.  And if they could see me cry the way I do.  By myself.  I dont know if they realize how tough I really truly am.  And I have to be.  Its the way I am.  Only makes sense that with how tough I am that I fell in love with a military man.  If they only knew how proud of their son I am......and how thankful I am that they brought him into this world.  And how much I love them too.  But a military realionship is NEVER "normal"...as far as military life goes, there is no such animal, as "normal." Just the way it's always been.  And this relationship has to be the best, most loving, most wonderful, and most "normal" relationship that I have ever had.  And that is why I miss him the way I do.  And from what we've both been through, Peter and I, we deserve to be together.  We've waited 26 years to find each other.  Finally God brought us together, I thank God every day for that.  I always knew that one day, my praying would pay off....I always knew that God was listening to me, but now I know just how well he really was listening.  I didn't know they made guys like Peter still.  He's amazing.  And he amazes me more and more every single day.  I love him so much........God I miss him...........I just wish they could walk a day in my shoes, that's all.  Pete and I have even said, that when we are old and gray, and we die, that we have to die on the same day, of the same minute and the same second.  Because we cant live without one another.  And this is true.  If anything happened to him, I would certainly, eventually die of a broken heart.  Hes my whole world, my everything, my life, my love for now and forever........why why why WHY cant they see that yet?????  The only way they could ever really understand, is if they could feel this ache that I have in my heart.  If they could walk a day in my shoes, then they could maybe understand........But at any rate, before I ramble on anymore, and keep reapeating myself like I tend to do when im exhausted.  Im going to get some sleep.  Time to go curl up with my care bear that Pete got me, and his cammies.....and cry myself to sleep. I do that more often than people really think I do.  Sounds kind of funny...but my pillows are actually stained with my tears.......Goodnight everyone........Please pray for my Sailor, my Corpsman, my fiance, my love, my life....and say a little prayer for me too.  I miss him so much........